This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
