I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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