Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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