My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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