I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
