And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
