I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
