Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
