Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Everclear isn't food dammit
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
