both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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