last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
