If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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