you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you didnt know i had herpes?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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