I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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