I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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