I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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