So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
