Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
