sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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