He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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