I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
