my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
