Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
