I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
