Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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