sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm always down for nudity.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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