Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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