I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
