i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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