I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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