My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
