dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
