You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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