Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
