You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
