Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
