glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
