i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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