I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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