You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
