HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
