You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
