It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I just found a bag of teeth...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
