Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
