i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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