So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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