i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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