My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
