nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
