I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
